


Hated for Loving

by innusiq



Category: due South
Genre: Drama, M/M, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-01-11
Updated: 2000-01-11
Packaged: 2018-11-10 22:53:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11136294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/innusiq/pseuds/innusiq
Summary: Sequel to I Forgot to Tell You I Love You.This story is a sequel toI Forgot to Tell You I Love You.





	Hated for Loving

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

Hated for Loving

## Hated for Loving

by Innusiq

* * *

This is part two of the series Lovers in a Dangerous Time Rating: PG13  
Pairing: Fraser/Vecchio 

Hated for Loving  
by: Jenny Hill 

There was a cool summer breeze drifting through the small apartment's window. It was the middle of summer and unusually cool for that time of year. Fraser breathed deeply taking in the morning air before opening his eyes to the beginning of a new day. He began to stretch when he bumped up against another warm body lying next to him, in his bed. Looking down, Fraser beheld his sleeping lover in his eyes. The corners of his mouth started to twist into a grin. Fraser was happy, a very happy man. 

It had been six months since they became lovers and Fraser was still not use to waking up next to the other warm body. Maybe it was because his lover only stayed the entire night on the weekends leaving Fraser to wake up alone, as always, the rest of the week. Fraser hated that but accepted it since he knew when the weekend did hit, he would no longer be alone and it was a small price to pay. 

Fraser pulled the blanket up over his lover's shoulder and kissed his lover on the forehead. His lover shifted in position and reached an arm across Fraser's waist, unconsciously pulling Fraser into an embrace. Fraser sighed as his lover's head rested on his chest. It was a good feeling to be loved like this. Fraser couldn't even remember a time before when he was loved as such or as much. It was calming. Just a touch from his lover, as a simple embrace, could send Fraser's heart soaring. He had definitely never felt this way before, not even with Victoria. 

Fraser looked at his watch, 6:30am. He needed to get Ray up if he was going to make it to 8:00am mass with his family. Fraser didn't want to wake Ray up yet but he knew Mrs. Vecchio would be upset if Ray didn't attend mass with the rest of the family and Fraser didn't want to tempt fate too much. It was a blessing that Ray's mother approved of their relationship, best not to push too much. 

"Ray?" Fraser whispered into his ear, trying not to startle Ray. 

Ray released his hold on Fraser, rolled over onto his back and mumble, "Ma, just five more minutes." 

They went through this every Sunday morning and Fraser never tired of it. He found it . . . cute, to see Ray act like that. He could envision Ray when he was a child on a school day refusing to rise when called by his mother. Fraser reached under the covers and placed his hand on Ray's chest, stroking across it. "Ray, it is time to get up. You don't want to be late." Fraser leaned over and placed a kiss on Ray's cheek. 

Ray smiled, eyes still shut. "That's nice." He rolled back over onto his side to face Fraser. His eyes were finally open but still sleepy. "Do I have to go?" 

"There is nothing I would like more that to stay in bed with you all day but I'm afraid your mother wouldn't understand my point of view." Fraser ran his finger down the side of Ray's face. 

"Yeah I know." This time Ray leaned in and planted a long, deep, passionate kiss, rolling Fraser onto his back. When he pulled away, he said, "I'll go . . . doesn't mean I'm gonna like it but I'll go." 

Fraser cupped Ray's face in his hands and leaned up to gave him a gentle peck on his lips saying, "Thank you Ray." 

"Why is it I can never say no to you?" Ray asked as he rolled to get up out of the bed. 

"Because I'm cute?" Fraser mused. 

Ray looked at Fraser and smiled, "Yeah you're cute but I think it's the guilt trips you seem to have the talent of layin' on me . . . just like Ma. Has she been giving you lessons or somethin'?" Ray stood up, pulling on his pajama bottoms and stretched. 

"Guilt trips . . . me?" Fraser looked so innocently at Ray, they both started laughing. 

* * *

Ray sat down at the kitchen table in the Vecchio home in dress shirt, pants, tie loosened and coffee cup in hand. Stretched out in front of him was the Sunday paper. He was perusing the classified section. He'd been going through this ritual for the last month - first the classic auto section looking for the ever elusive 71 Buick Riviera and then the apartments. He never acted on anything that caught his eye, just looked. 

"Caro, what are you doing?" Mrs. Vecchio asked as she entered the kitchen to begin her own ritual of preparing the Sunday dinner. 

"Nothin' Ma, just lookin' through the paper." Ray quickly closed the classified section and started flipping through the news sections. 

"I noticed you did not come home last night." Mrs. Vecchio had her back to her son, rummaging through various pots and pans. 

Ray tensed up, he had no idea where the conversation was headed but he did not like it. He thought she accepted his relationship with Fraser but there was always that second guessing conscience in his head because it all seemed too good to be true. "Ma, you know on the weekends that . . ." Mrs. Vecchio cut he son off. 

"Caro, I know where you were, it's okay." She moved to sit down beside her son and took hold of his hand. "You know I support you and Benton. I care for you both." Ray blushed, and act he seemed to do that a lot lately. How could he have seconded guessed her. "Son, what I was thinking . . . Benton . . . he has no family . . . very few friends . . . the world can be so lonely." 

"Yeah Ma, I know." 

"Let me finish dear. What I was thinking . . . why don't you have Benton move in with us?" Her face looked so serious that Ray's mouth dropped open in disbelief. 

"Ma, I can't . . . it's not that I don't want to . . . but Benny wouldn't last a week in this house and a twenty-four/seven/fifty-two schedule . . . I couldn't even imagine. He's not use to the hustle and bustle of an Italian family . . . at least this Italian family." Ray's mother just looked at him. "I think we are a bit too boisterous for him. He is a very quiet person. He barely makes it through a dinner here . . . not that he doesn't like it here Ma, believe me, Benny loves this family. He's just not . . ." 

"Caro, I know what you mean. It's okay, but the way you're living . . . spending time with him . . . the back and forth . . . it can be hard on a relationship." Mrs. Vecchio was looking at her son with thoughtful and caring eyes. 

"I know Ma, I feel it too." 

"Caro, you will have to tell the rest of the family sometime . . . they will understand just as I have . . . even Francesca." Mrs. Vecchio smiled as she patted his check. 

Ray rolled his eyes. "Ma, I don't think Francesca will ever understand . . . if anything she'll think we betrayed her." 

"She will understand." Mrs. Vecchio tried to reassure him again as she prepared to change the subject. "Benton is coming over for dinner tonight, yes?" 

"Yeah Ma, just like every Sunday. He wouldn't miss it," Ray said to his mother. 

Mrs. Vecchio smiled as she stood up and kissed her son on the forehead. Ray blushed again. He loved his mother very much and he knew Fraser loved her equally. 

* * *

There was a knock at the apartment door that startled Fraser. Ray wasn't due back until later that evening to pick him up for dinner and anyway, he wouldn't be knocking. Fraser walked to the door and opened it nearly freezing in his spot. 

"Hello Benton," Francesca said as she stood in the hallway, smiling a radiant yet seductive smile. 

Fraser just stood there, unable to move or speak. All he wanted to do was slam the door shut and run in the other direction to hide. Why did this always happen to him? Where was Ray when he needed him? 

Francesca had only returned a month ago from Canada. It seems she and Turnbull weren't working out as she thought they would and as Fraser had hoped they would. Poor Turnbull, he was heartbroken from the separation. Seems he wasn't the Mountie she really wanted and that made Fraser cringe. 

"Aren't you gonna invite me in?" Francesca didn't wait for an invitation as she squeezed her way between Fraser and the doorway, making as much personal contact as possible. 

Fraser closed his door and when he turned, his eyes caught everything that was out of place: his bed wasn't made, his and Ray's clothes were lying in heaps on the floor, the two coffee mugs sitting on the kitchen table. They were all clues as to what had gone on in his apartment the night before. 

"I was in the neighborhood and thought I'd stop by . . . make sure you were still coming over for dinner tonight." Francesca was walking around the small apartment, taking in the sights when she noticed the two coffee mugs on the kitchen table. When she turned, Fraser was frantically picking up clothes off the floor near the bed and straightening the bed sheets. "Fraser?" He turned, holding the bundle of clothes, half of them were definitely not his. "Is there something you're not telling me?" 

'She noticed,' Fraser thought. 'Denial, that's it, I'll just deny it.' "No, no, no, no . . . well yes." He couldn't deny anything, it was almost like lying if one really thought about it enough. He looked embarrassed as she continued to stare at him. 

"Fraser, are you seeing someone?" She inquired in an astonished tone. She didn't want to believe it. He couldn't be. He just couldn't be. Not after all the time she put into their relationship. 

"Yes." Fraser wasn't looking at her, he just kept staring at the floor like it was the most interesting thing he'd ever seen. 

"Who is she?" Francesca demanded. 

Fraser's head shot up from viewing the floor at the tone in her voice. "I can't tell you that," he began, "and I don't mean to be rude but it really is none of your business." He tried to sound as nice as possible but with a phrase like that, there was no nice way about it. 

"None of my . . . Fraser . . . augh!" The next thing he knew, she stormed out of the apartment. Fraser wearily sat down on his bed laying the clothes next to him. "Why does this always happen to me?" 

Diefenbaker, who was hiding under the bed the whole time, popped his head out. "There you are. Where were you when I needed you?" Diefenbaker just whined. "Thanks." 

* * *

"Hey Benny, you ready?" Ray called out as he entered Fraser's apartment. Diefenbaker greeted Ray upon his entrance. "Hey boy, you ready for some good home cooked Italian food?" Diefenbaker barked. "Yeah, I thought you would be. Hey Benny!" 

Fraser came out of the bathroom with a not so happy look on his face. "I'm not going tonight." He walked to the window in the living room area and stared out, sulking, and that was something Fraser just didn't do without a good reason. 

Diefenbaker gave Ray a questioning look as if asking, 'We're not going now?' Ray smiled down at the wolf and whispered, "Don't worry Dief, we are going." Diefenbaker's tail wagged a bit more excitedly than usual as he padded his way to the door and laid down to wait for their departure. 

Ray walked up behind Fraser, placed his arms around his waist and kissed the nape of his neck. "What's wrong Benny?" Ray rested his chin on Fraser's shoulder. 

Fraser sighed deeply. "Your sister was here this afternoon." 

Ray pulled his head back in disbelief. "Frannie? What the hell was she doin' here?" 

"She actually never got to the true point of her visit . . . before she left . . . rather upset." 

Ray let go of Fraser and moved to stand beside him so he could look at him. "What happened?" 

Fraser sighed again, "She came here, invited herself in . . .I didn't mean to say anything but the apartment was still a mess from last night . . ." Fraser blushed, "clothes on the floor . . . yours, mine. I never made the bed. Our coffee mugs from this morning were still on the kitchen table. I normally keep the apartment quite clean, it was very odd of me to have left it in such a state. I think you're rubbing off on me a little . . ." 

Ray was flattered at having such a profound impact on this normally perfect, in his mind at least, man but he was babbling now. "Benny, the point?" 

Fraser looked into Ray's eyes. "She asked me if I was seeing someone." His head dropped, "I couldn't lie to her, you know that . . ." 

"What did you tell her?" Ray wasn't getting mad but he needed to know what to expect from his sister when they encountered her next. 

"I told her yes . . . she proceeded to ask me who "she" was and I told her . . . I told her it was none of her business. Then she stormed out of here." Fraser looked emotionally defeated. "I'm sorry Ray." 

Ray just smiled and pulled Fraser into a loving embrace. "It's okay Benny. It "was" none of her business. I'm sorry you felt you had to choose between lying and telling the truth. Promise me you'll never lie because you think that is what I want because it's not." Fraser just nodded his head against Ray's neck. "Come on Benny, let's go to dinner, Ma is expecting you. She'd be very disappointed if you didn't show up." 

"I can't face your sister." Fraser pulled away from Ray and leaned against the wall next to the window. "She hates me now. She thinks I led her on . . . I never did . . . at least I don't think I did . . ." 

"Benny, we are going to dinner . . ." 

"But . . ." 

"Benny, listen to me," Ray began. It took this incident to make him decide the right thing to do. His mother was always right. "We are going to dinner and we are going to tell the rest of the family about us, tonight." 

Fraser looked up at Ray, surprised, shocked and yet a little relieved. "Really?" 

"Yes, really, I never should have put it off this long. Had we done this earlier, today would never have happened. I'm sorry Benny." 

Fraser was so moved, all he could think of to convey his feelings was to kiss Ray senselessly and that is what he did. Ray didn't mind it either. He loved kissing Fraser. He could get lost in those lips as he so often did. 

Fraser pulled away first, saying breathlessly, "I do love you Ray." 

Ray smiled, breathing just as hard. "I know Benny, I love you too." Their foreheads were touching as they both just stood there, arms wrapped around each other, waiting for their breathing and heart rates to return to a normal pace. 

"Come on, let's get Dief and head home. Ma is probably wondering what's taking us so long. You know how she worries." 

* * *

"Can you believe that? How could he? Not only that Ma, he was being rude. Benton Fraser was rude. I knew the polite exterior was just a cover." Francesca was pacing back and forth in the kitchen, arms flailing as she told her mother about what happened earlier in Fraser's apartment. 

"Cara, please, sit down. You're making you mother so dizzy." Mrs. Vecchio pulled out a chair for her daughter to sit in. 

Francesca reluctantly sat down to please her mother. "How could he?" 

"Cara, he didn't do anything to you personally. You know nothing has even happened between you and Benton." 

Francesca sheepishly nodded, looking at her mother. "I just thought . . . if enough time had passed . . . he would, ya know, come around." 

"Oh, Francesca, I think five years is long enough, five years and a failed second marriage, don't you? It's time to move on. He is very happy with this person, can't you be happy for them?" Mrs. Vecchio cupped her daughter's face in her hands. 

"Ma, you knew about this and didn't tell me? Who is she?" 

"I can not tell you that. It is not my place. He will tell you when he is ready and the time is right." Francesca pouted at her mother's reply. 

* * *

Ray entered the Vecchio home first with Diefenbaker following and Fraser bringing up the rear. "Benny, everything is gonna be okay, you'll see." Ray closed the door behind them. "Ma, we're here!" Ray call from the foyer. 

Mrs. Vecchio came out of the kitchen hurriedly. "Raymondo, Benton, what took you so long? I thought you were going to miss dinner." 

"We were just held up momentarily Mrs. Vecchio. I do apologize for the inconvenience we may have caused," Fraser said politely. He loved Ray's mother just as much as he loved his own and he would do anything to please her. 

"Benton," Mrs. Vecchio placed a hand on his cheek lovingly, "Francesca told me about what happened. She is not the lady I hoped to have raised but I love her. She is a good girl . . . just slightly misguided." Fraser smiled at that. Mrs. Vecchio always made him feel good and welcome in their home. "Come, both of you, dinner is getting cold." 

Dinner at the Vecchio home was quieter than usual. The only members of the family partaking in any type of conversation were Tony, Maria and Mrs. Vecchio. Fraser should have enjoyed the change, the quiet but he didn't. He knew this wasn't normal and was waiting for the change to happen. He didn't have to wait very long. 

"So, Ray," Francesca began, "did you know Benton is seeing someone?" It was as if she was asking a normal question like, 'how was work today?' Ray looked up from his food, giving his sister the evil eye. "Yes, actually, I think he's doing more than just seeing her." Nothing like a punch in the gut at this point. 

"Yes Frannie, I know." It took all his strength to keep his protective anger in check but he knew if she kept at Fraser, he wouldn't last long. 

"Oh . . . he told you . . . my, I'm surprised. I mean after that Veronica . . . no, Valerie . . . no, Vanessa . . . oh what was her name?" Fraser had spoken but it was barely above a whisper and no one could hear what he said. "What was that Benton?" Francesca asked. Ray's eye was looking even more evil than before and now he wanted to lunge across the table and strangle his baby sister. 

Fraser spoke up in a anguished voice. "Victoria . . . her name is Victoria." Fraser wasn't making eye contact with anyone, definitely not Francesca. He didn't need reminding of his betrayal of Ray. He lived with that fact every day of his life and had the scar as a reminder should he ever forget. 

"Frannie!" Ray said in a stern voice, trying to stifle her words. 

"Right Victoria, I mean after everything he kept from you about her, I'm surprised he told you about this one." 

"Frannie, shut the hell up!" Ray yelled as he stood up. They both expected their mother to scold Ray on his use of language in front of the children but it didn't happen. Mrs. Vecchio knew Francesca needed to heed his warning. Their mother just sat there looking at them. 

Ray started rambling on about how inconsiderate and selfish she was being but Francesca tuned him out, thinking back to earlier in Fraser's apartment. The two coffee mugs meaning who ever it was had been there in the morning. The bed unmade, she was surely jealous. Clothes on the floor: a pair of jeans, T'shirt, flannel shirt, Armani pants and jacket, silk shirt . . . Oh my God. 

". . . and another thing, who are you to judge . . ." Ray was all of the sudden cut off. 

"It's you!" Francesca exclaimed out loud and in shock. For the first time since her tirade began, Fraser looked up at her and their eyes met. There was recognition in those eyes, she was right. "Oh my God, it is . . . you're the other woman." 

"Excuse me?" Ray was thrown for a loop. "The other what?" 

"Well, not the other woman . . . you're the person Fraser is . . ." She couldn't finish her statement. 

Ray sat down in his chair now, quiet and Fraser took hold of his hand under the table. Fraser found his voice now. "Yes Francesca, we are what you would call a couple." 

She balked at his comment. "That is not what I would call it. You two are . . ." 

"Frannie, don't even go there." Ray cut her off with a fair warning, knowing exactly what she was about to say. 

"Disgusting." Francesca finished her statement anyway. 

"Francesca Marie Vecchio!" Mrs. Vecchio called out causing Francesca to whip her head around to look towards her mother. 

"Ma, you can't approve of this. It's . . . sick." 

"Francesca, love can never be sick or disgusting. Love can only feel good or hurt and I believe you are hurting right now and that is what has caused the cruelty I am seeing." Mrs. Vecchio was trying to get Francesca passed her anger but it just wasn't going to happen today. This whole time, Maria and Tony just sat in their places, not knowing what to say or do. 

"Ma, I can't believe you . . . their freaks." The word no sooner left her mouth then Fraser stood up and retreated from the room, then the house, with Diefenbaker in pursuit. 

"Thanks Frannie, you sure know how to make a person feel welcome in his own home," Ray said throwing his napkin down and getting up to go after Fraser. 

"Raymondo, she didn't mean it." 

"Ma, yes she did." Ray turned to leave the dinning room but stopped and went back to his mother's side, kissing her cheek. He didn't want to leave letting his mother think he was mad at her because he wasn't, it was just Francesca he was having the quarrel with. "We're gonna go, okay?" She nodded her head in agreement. "I won't be home tonight either, all right?" Mrs. Vecchio nodded again. "I love you Ma." 

Mrs. Vecchio kissed Ray on the cheek. "I love you to Raymondo, Caro. Tell Benton he is always welcome here." 

"Thanks Ma." Ray turned and left. 

* * *

Ray ran out the front door of the Vecchio home after the retreating Fraser who was already halfway down the street still traveling at a good click. "Hey Benny, wait up." Ray called as he headed down the driveway. "Benny!" Fraser continued on his way, not stopping. "Agh, Benny," Ray said under his breath as he sprinted to catch up with Fraser. When Ray did, he grabbed Fraser's arm and stopped him. "Benny!" 

Fraser was stopped abruptly and turned to look at Ray, there was sadness, despair, anger and hurt in his eyes. That is what Ray could read. "Why Ray?" 

Puzzled, Ray asked, "Why what Benny?" 

"Why me Ray? Why do you love me . . . you have everything to lose. . ." Fraser trailed off when his voice broke. 

Ray stood there for a while, just looking into his lover's hurt eyes, hurt his sister caused, then he found his voice. "Benny, I may have everything to lose but I have so much more to gain." Ray paused for a second. "Before you, I was a lost soul, wandering from relationship to relationship - not that there were that many mind you \- I had no connection with those people. Then I met you. You were so different from everyone else I had ever known. It was refreshing. You accepted me as I was. You got me thinking about life, my life and my feelings. For the first time in years, I thought clearly . . . the only problem was I couldn't read other peoples thoughts - mainly yours." Both Ray and Fraser smiled at their lost time before they admitted their love for one another. 

"Benny, being with you . . . just feels right . . . I don't know. It's like we're part of this huge puzzle called life and you and I are the last two pieces and we fit. We complete the puzzle. I complete you and you complete me." 

Tears streamed down Fraser's cheeks and Ray cupped his face and wiped the tears away with his thumbs. "Thank you Ray." 

"For what Benny?" 

"For being my friend. For being my lover. For loving me." Fraser pulled Ray into a loving embrace and they stood there, in the light of the sunset just holding one another, trying to forget the ugliness of what happened back in the Vecchio home. 

******(Six months later) 

"Caro?" Mrs. Vecchio called as she entered the empty bedroom. The last time she had seen the room so empty was the day they moved in and that was over thirty years ago. 

Ray stood by the closet taping closed the last box of his personal belongings. "Yeah Ma?" Ray stood up straight and turned to look at her as she entered the room. 

Mrs. Vecchio walked into Ray's bedroom carrying a covered casserole dish. "Caro, I know tonight is a very special night for you and Benton." Ray smiled shyly. "So, I made you two this." Mrs. Vecchio handed the dish to her son. 

"Lasagna?" 

"Yes dear, it wouldn't be an anniversary celebration without it." Mrs. Vecchio leaned in and kissed her son on the cheek. "Happy Anniversary Raymondo." 

"Thanks Ma, you don't know how much this means to me . . . to both of us." Ray placed the covered dish on the box he had finished taping up. 

"You will tell Benton too?" 

"Yes Ma, he will like hearing that," Ray said as he walked back to his mother and pulled her into a big hug. "I'm gonna miss seeing you every day." 

"I know Caro but it is for the best as you said. Remember that you and Benton are always welcome here, no matter what Francesca says. Sometimes I don't know what gets into her . . ." 

"Shhh, Ma, it's okay. I've known Francesca for over thirty years . . . she'll get over it eventually . . . I hope . . ." Ray couldn't believe he was no longer going to call the Vecchio home, his home. He had referred to it as home for the majority of his life and ever since he moved back in after his divorce, he never thought he would be leaving again until Fraser walked into his life. The thought made Ray sigh. This was a good decision, the right decision. 

* * *

"Do you have your eyes shut Ray?" Fraser asked as he was guiding Ray out of his apartment with Diefenbaker in tow. They were heading down to the street and around the corner into the alley next to Fraser's building. 

"Yeah, they're shut . . . nothin's gonna jump out and bite me is it?" Ray asked hesitantly. 

"Not that I'm aware of. You should be perfectly safe." Fraser had his hands resting on Ray's waist as he brought him to a stop. Fraser leaned closer, Ray could feel his breath on the side of his neck. Fraser whispered into Ray's ear, "You can open your eyes now." Then he stood back. 

The alley was dark as Ray opened his eyes but once they adjusted to the dark and were in focus, his mouth dropped open and he was left speechless, if that is possible for a one Ray Vecchio. After a couple minutes had passed in dumbfounded silence, Fraser leaned back in resting his chin on Ray's shoulder and wrapping his arms around Ray's waist. "Happy Anniversary Ray." 

Ray closed his mouth finally. "I'm speechless." 

"I can hear that Ray," Fraser snickered. 

"Wow." It was all Ray could think to say. 

"Do you like it?" 

"I love it Benny. How . . . how did you know?" 

"Come on Ray, every Sunday morning you look through the classic car section. It wasn't hard to figure out." Fraser pulled the keys from his pocked and handed Ray the keys to his fourth - and hopefully final - 1971 Buick Riviera, of course green and with the original lighter . . . slightly used. It couldn't be any other way. 

Ray turned to look at Fraser. "How could you afford this? This is too much ..." Ray tried to give the keys back to Fraser. 

Fraser refused to take the keys back and silenced Ray with a finger over his lips. "Ray, it was nothing . . . with me living in the "slums" as you say, I am quite capable of saving money. I only mean this in the most polite way . . . shut up and accept your gift graciously." 

Ray grinned and he wrapped his arms around Fraser's neck. "Have I told you lately that I love you?" 

"Not since this morning." They laughed together and then kissed. "So are you going to give me a ride or are we just going to stand in the alley all night?" Before Fraser could get the second half of his sentence out, Ray was already unlocking the driver side door and sliding in. It had been almost three years since he sat in his previous Riv and he missed the feel of his beloved cars. Fraser let Diefenbaker in the back and then slid in next to Ray closing the passenger door. He to missed the feel of this special vehicle. He never thought he would miss a car but he did. "So where are we going?" 

"The only place to go," was all Ray said and refused to clarify his answer with any details. "It's a surprise Benny." 

Fraser was worried at that point. He always worried when Ray had a "surprise" up his sleeve. It had been a fifteen minutes drive when they ended up in front of a nice apartment complex, much nicer than the one Fraser currently lived in. "Come on Benny, I wanna show you somethin'." Ray got out of the car, followed by Fraser and Diefenbaker. 

"Who lives here Ray?" 

"You'll see." Ray opened the door to let Fraser and Diefenbaker in. 

"Thank you kindly Ray." 

"Your welcome, kindly." 

Once they were up the elevator and on the fifth floor, Ray pulled his keys from his pocket. Apartment number 506 was their destination. Ray slipped the key in the lock and opened the door. Ray let Fraser in first. 

On the wall opposite the door hung a "Happy Anniversary" sign and below it, on the floor, was a picnic set up for two, well, make that two and a wolf. There was no other furniture in the rooms he could see which made Fraser suspicious. "Ray?" 

"What, you don't like it?" Ray closed the door behind them and locked it. 

Fraser closed his eyes and shook his head. "Ray, I've told you time and again, I like where I live. It's just big enough for one person. I wouldn't know what to do with all this space." 

"I would," Ray said with a little mischief in his voice. "Anyway, it's not like you would be alone . . . you do have Dief here." 

Fraser was walking around the apartment looking at all the space there was. All the space he knew he couldn't fill alone. "I don't think Dief would take up this much room. I can't live here by myself . . . I'd feel . . ." 

"Lonely?" Ray finished. 

Fraser wouldn't confirm Ray's assumption. Fraser opened a door across the room from Ray and looked in. It looked like an empty bedroom. Ray joined him from across the room and took hold of Fraser's hands. "Benny, I worry about you, especially when I'm not with you." 

"So your solution is to move me across town for safety reasons, without asking my permission? I don't' understand." Fraser turned to move away but Ray wouldn't release his hands. 

"Benny, I don't think you and I are on the same page here. Close your eyes." Ray gave Fraser a reassuring smile and Fraser obliged Ray's request. 

Fraser could hear the door behind him open and he was being backed into the room. "Keep your eyes shut." Fraser nodded in agreement but he was certain, anything Ray would show him would never make him change his mind. 

Finally, Ray stopped. Fraser was still facing the way they had entered the room and the next thing he knew Ray pushed him and Fraser began to fall. Fear automatically opened his eyes but he landed on something soft. It was a very comfortable mattress that he landed on. Before Fraser could register what happened, Ray was on top of him, straddling his legs, arms supporting him on either side of Fraser's shoulder's, staring down at him with a wonderfully playful smile. "How bout if someone moved in with you?" 

"Ray, who would want to live with me?" Ray couldn't believe what Fraser had just said. He couldn't tell if he was being serious or not. Ray's face became very serious as he stared at Fraser. "See, you can't even think of someone." 

"Benny, I want to live with you." Fraser was frozen in his spot, with Ray hovering over him and just blinked. "Benny? Are you in there?" Ray waved his hand in front of his face, no movement was seen. "Hey Benny, you're scaring me here." Finally he focused on Ray. 

A slight grin emerged from his lips. "Ray, are you serious?" Fraser reached a hand up to stroke Ray's cheek. 

"Yeah Benny, why not?" 

"I don't know . . ." there was a slight chuckle in his voice as he continued. "I always envisioned when we would move in together and for some reason, it always involved your family and I cringed." 

Ray laughed along with Fraser. "Ya know, Ma asked me a couple months ago if I wanted you to move in with us and I flat out said no. I mean, you handle dinners there just fine but I knew living there . . . you wouldn't have lasted a week." 

Curiously, Fraser asked "You've been thinking about this for a couple months?" 

"Yeah, well, ya know, it just seemed the most natural progression." Ray didn't expect such a serious conversation. "The nights I didn't stay over . . . I felt empty. It just seemed right to move to the next level . . . ya know?" 

Fraser reached his arms around Ray, placing his palms on his back and pulled him down to lay against his chest. Ray relaxed in the embrace. "Ray, I would love to move in with you." 

Snuggling against Fraser, Ray wrapped his arms around Fraser's. "Good," Ray sighed. They relaxed there for a few minutes just holding one another, enjoying the close contact. "Benny," Ray began as he struggled to get up, "Ma made up a lasagna for our anniversary. She said it wouldn't be an anniversary celebration with out it." 

Fraser wouldn't release his loose hold on Ray to let him actually get up. Instead, he rolled Ray over onto his back and was now the one staring down at him with the look that made Ray do anything he asked. "I'm not hungry for lasagna right now Ray." 

"Well, what do you want? I thought you loved Ma's lasagna." 

"Although I do love you mother's lasagna . . ." Fraser leaned down and kissed Ray's neck, then proceeded to whisper in his ear, "but I love you more," and continued his assault on his lover. 

"Well, I guess the lasagna can wait . . ." Ray trailed off enjoying the attention he was receiving. 'This was definitely a good idea,' he thought. 

* * *

A very perturbed and neglected wolf huffed as he padded around the empty apartment. He walked over to the closed door his companion was taken through and sensed something was going on and he wasn't invited, nor wanted there. Another huff and Diefenbaker padded over to the picnic area sniffing around . . . Lasagna . . . how did they know he liked that. 'Guess I'll have to feed myself tonight.' And Diefenbaker began digging into the Anniversary Celebration. 

* * *

Francesca sat at a table in her favorite restaurant waiting for her lunch date. In her head, she was going over what she was going to say to convince this person to help her. It should be relatively easy, this person cared about Ray deeply if not still loved him. 

"Hi Francesca," Angie said as she approached the table that Francesca occupied. 

"Hi Ange, how have you been?" 

"Good Francesca, how long has it been . . . a year or so . . . since we last saw each other?" Angie sat down. 

"Yeah, way too long," Francesca said. 

The lunch proceeded as any normal lunch would. There was good food and even better gossip about mutual friends. "So, how's Ray been?" Angie asked as she set her lunch plate aside to be retrieved by their waiter. 

"Ya know, that's one reason why I wanted to see you today." Francesca set her plate aside as well. 

"Ray's okay, isn't he?" There was concern in Angie's voice. 

"Physically he's fine . . .it's his emotional state I'm worried about." 

"Emotional state? Has something happened I should be concerned about?" Angie didn't like where this was headed. Even though they were divorced, she still cared about Ray. Heck if he asked her to marry him all over again, she would, even though she knew better. 

"He's seeing someone . . . says he's in love . . . but I don't think he's being honest with himself. I think he's just lonely right now and in the end he's just gonna get hurt." It sounded good, convincing. Francesca was pleased with her act so far. 

"What makes you think this?" 

"It's his best friend, Fraser. He says they're in love. He has even moved out of the house and into an apartment with him." There was disgust on Francesca's face that couldn't be hidden. 

"Yeah, so?" Angie caught Francesca off guard. Why wasn't she startled? 

"You're not concerned about this situation?" Francesca sounded astonished. 

"Listen Frannie, I love Ray very much . . . more than you could possibly imagine. I loved him enough to let him go. I couldn't . . . he didn't . . ." Angie was trying to think of how to say what she was thinking. "I knew our marriage wasn't right for him, I wasn't right for him. Yeah we loved each other very much but I wasn't what he wanted. I wasn't what he needed." 

Francesca just stared at Angie for the longest time, her mouth hanging open. "Are you saying you knew?" 

"Francesca, I was his wife . . . how could I not know?" 

"And you're okay with it?" 

"His happiness is very important to me, you must believe this. I have seen Ray recently and he seems happier now than I can ever remember. Don't you see that yourself?" Francesca just glared at Angie. "Let it go Frannie. I know you have a thing for Fraser but he doesn't like you in that way. You're the one who's gonna get hurt in the end here." 

Francesca couldn't believe her ears. Angie was siding with them. How was this possible? How could everyone be so wrong? Francesca pushed her chair back, rose and left without saying a word. Angie called after her but Francesca wouldn't hear her. 

* * *

"Hi Ray," Angie said as she approached his desk at the 27th Precinct. 

Ray immediately stood up, walked around his desk and kissed Angie on the cheek. "Hey Ange, what brings you down here?" Ray motioned for her to sit down in the guest chair as he went back to sit behind his desk. 

"Oh, nothing much, I just wanted to see how you were doing." Angie was staring at Ray's face, trying to read any minute facial expression he may make to expose his real feelings. He was a blank page today. 

"I'm fine Ange . . . what's this about?" 

"Ray, I had lunch with Francesca yesterday . . . " Ray hung his head at the mere mention of his sister's name, "and she didn't seem too pleased." 

"Agh, why is this my life?" Ray was resting his chin on his folded arms on his desk, looking at Angie. 

"Ray . . . you are happy, right?" 

Ray sat up quickly. "What do you mean? With Francesca?" 

Angie shook her head. "No Ray, with Fraser." 

Ray blushed a bit. "She told you?" 

"Yeah Ray . . . I think she was looking for some help." 

"Help?" Ray didn't understand. 

"I think she's trying to find a way to split you two up. Haven't you noticed her acting strange lately?" Angie questioned. 

"No, actually, I haven't seen her for a couple weeks and when I do see her . . . she avoids me like the plague." Ray couldn't believe what Angie was telling him. "She may be angry but she would never do anything that drastic, that hurtful. This is Frannie we're talkin' about here." 

"Ray, just be careful. I don't think she realizes what she's doing." Angie was desperate to getting Ray to understand. 

With a slight grin on his face, Ray said, "Angie, you worry too much. I know she's still upset but she's my sister, I'm her brother. She still cares about me deep down." 

"Ray, please . . ." 

"Ange, I'll be careful . . . from what I don't know but I will be careful." Angie nodded and stood up. "Hey Ange . . . I am very happy." Angie smiled and turned to leave. 

* * *

It had been a long day. As the elevator opened, Ray slumped out and began his walk to their apartment door. He had worked over to catch up on paperwork he had been putting off. It was going on 9:00pm and he was beat. 

Not only was he physically drained but after his visit with Angie, he was emotionally drained as well. He didn't know how much longer he could keep the front up, convincing himself Francesca would come around eventually. It had been almost a year since she found out about him and Fraser and she made no effort to reconcile. 

Ray approached their apartment, pulled out his keys and unlocked the door. Once he entered the apartment, Diefenbaker greeted him. "Hey Dief, how was your day?" Diefenbaker just wagged his tail happily as Ray stooped down to rub behind his ear. "Is he asleep already?" Usually when Ray worked late, Fraser never made it past 8:00pm before falling asleep. Some habits are hard to break. Diefenbaker licked Ray's face then trotted off to his corner of the room. "Yuk, I hate dog . . . wolf slobber." Ray stood up, hung his coat in the closet and headed for the bedroom. 

The room had one light on, the lamp on the bedside table. Fraser was sound asleep, laying on his back, hands precariously laying on his chest. He looked like an angel, so vulnerable in that state. Ray smiled at the beauty of it all. Lying next to Fraser was one of his dad's journals. He had fallen asleep while reading it. 

Ray walked over to the bed, picked up the journal and placed it on the bookshelf with the rest of the collection of his dad's and his own journals, then he started shucking off clothing. With every layer, he felt like ten pounds had been lifted off him. Once down to his T'shirt and shorts, he climbed into bed and sighed a heavy sigh. 

The movement on the bed started to wake Fraser as it always did yet he was still lying there in an in between state of relaxation and alertness. He could hear noises from within the room that were slowly penetrating into his subconscious causing him to rise higher and higher into awareness. Opening his eyes, he became quickly aware of two things: one, Ray was lying next to him and two, Ray was sobbing. Fraser quickly sat up and leaned over Ray whose back was facing him. "Ray, what's wrong? What's happened? Is everyone alright?" Panic rushed over Fraser quicker than he could comprehend it. 

Ray rolled over onto his back to look up at Fraser. "I'm sorry Benny. I didn't mean to wake you." Ray was trying to wipe the tears away but they kept coming. 

"Shhh, Ray, it's okay. I was trying to stay up for you." Fraser had a sheepish look on his face. Every time he tried to stay awake for Ray, he failed miserably. "Tell me what's wrong." 

"Oh Benny, it's the same old same old." 

"Francesca?" Ray just nodded his head. "What did she do this time?" Every time Ray got this way, Fraser came to loathe Francesca more and more and he hated that. He hated the anger he felt towards her because he knew Ray still loved her no matter what she said or did. What hurt most was the fact that he still loved her too. 

"Ange stopped by the precinct today . . . she had lunch with Frannie yesterday . . . things are not looking good Benny." Ray shuttered as a chill passed down his spine. 

Fraser scooped Ray's upper body into his arms and held him, giving him all the loving support he needed to continue. It felt like Ray was holding onto him for dear life. "I don't think she's ever gonna get over this . . . I can't imagine a life without her . . . she's my baby sister, I'm suppose to take care of her . . . she won't even speak to me." Ray began sobbing again. 

Fraser rested his cheek on the top of Ray's head and tried to calm him down. "Ray, maybe she just needs more time. She can't hate us forever . . . well, at least not you." A tear rolled down Fraser's cheek and into Ray's cropped hair. 

Ray felt the drop of moisture and turned in Fraser's arms to look at him. "Don't cry Benny, I'm okay. It just gets to me sometimes. Please . . ." 

"It's okay Ray. It hurts me to see you in so much pain. Maybe I should have a talk with her." Fraser would do anything for Ray. 

"Nah, things will work out in the end. I have faith." Ray yawned at that. "Let's go to sleep, I am pretty tired." 

"Okay Ray, I love you," Fraser said as he kissed Ray's cheek. 

"I love you too Benny. I love you too." Ray and Fraser settled down to sleep, arm in arm. 

* * *

"Benton, Caro, it is so good to see you. Come, come, come in," Mrs. Vecchio said as she opened the door wider for him to enter. 

"Thank you kindly . . . Ma." Fraser still wasn't use to addressing Ray's mother so informally, but he knew she enjoyed hearing it. "I have come here to talk with Francesca, is she here?" 

Mrs. Vecchio nodded her head and motioned for Benton to sit in the living room. "I will go get her. Be careful Caro . . . I worry for her and you and my Raymondo." Fraser nodded his head and walked into the living room to wait for Francesca to join him. 

Fraser listened to Mrs. Vecchio as she headed up the stairs to retrieve her daughter. He heard the stifled conversation between the elder and younger Vecchio women, then heard Francesca descending the stairs. When Francesca entered the living room, Fraser could tell she was expecting it to be Ray waiting for her but there was a pleased, surprised look now as she stared at him. "Hello Benton." 

"Hello Francesca, it is good to see you." Fraser was standing at attention when she entered the room. "Can we talk?" 

"Yes but I don't think I have anything to say to you," Francesca said as she sat down in a chair across from where Fraser was standing. 

"Then just listen, that is all I ask." Fraser took a deep breath before continuing. "First, I want to say how sorry I am that Ray and my relationship has hurt you. I didn't realize you liked . . . loved me that way. I apologize if I led you on in any way, I didn't mean to." Francesca just stared at Fraser with a blank look on her face. He couldn't tell if she was listening or not but he continued. "When I admitted my feelings for you in the hospital, after Ray's return . . . all I was admitting to was that I liked you, that I cared for you. I have always liked you but as a friend maybe even more like a sister. I love everyone in this family as if they were my own family but the only person I am and ever will be in love with is Ray." 

Francesca started to get up to leave the room when Fraser gently took hold of her arm and sat her back down. "I am not finished yet." Walking away so he had room to pace, Fraser continued. "Do you understand what you are doing to your own brother? The other night when he came home . . . he was sobbing because of you. He misses you Francesca. He needs you in his life." Finally there was a response from her. A single tear ran down her cheek but she wiped it away quickly. "Francesca, please, talk to him. You don't ever have to talk to or see me again but at least try to work things out with your brother. He's your family." 

Francesca was allowed to get up this time but she didn't flee the room. She walked over to the front window and stared out for the longest time before saying anything. When she turned to look at Fraser, she had a cold look on her face. "You would do anything for my brother, wouldn't you?" 

"I love him . . . there isn't anything I wouldn't do for his happiness." Fraser was telling the truth or course, he never lied. 

"Good, then it is agreed," Francesca said happily. 

"What is agreed?" 

"I will go and talk with Ray and patch our family unit together as you suggested . . . under one condition." 

"Anything Francesca." Fraser was pleased he had gotten through to her even if she had a clause in her agreement. 

"You are to leave him." 

Fraser's face went paler than its normal color. How could he leave Ray, it would kill him? . 'It would kill me,' Fraser thought. How could he leave his life behind, his friends, his family. "Francesca, be reasonable." 

"I am being reasonable. Don't question my judgment here," Francesca snapped. 

"How can you ask that of me? Do you realize what it would do to Ray?" 

"Benton, I have a feeling Ray will get over you in no time. He will have his family to rely on for that. I think you over estimate your importance to him. It is you who needs him." Fraser was speechless. He was speechless because he knew she was right. Ray had an entire family to support him and whom did Fraser have without the Vecchio's, no one. 

"You know I'm right Benton . . . so what's it gonna be?" The look on Francesca's face was making him ill and he had to leave the room but he couldn't move. "Are you gonna be selfish for your own good?" Fraser shook his head 'no.' 

* * *

There was a smile on the awakening man's face as he stretched every muscle in his body. An early morning stretch always felt good. He could feel the warmth from the body lying next to him but it wasn't the "normal" body he was use to. This body was panting. Ray lifted his head and struggled to open his eyes. Diefenbaker was sitting on the bed next to him. Once Ray made eye contact with him, Diefenbaker licked his face and started whining. "Hey boy, what's wrong?" 

Diefenbaker jumped down off the bed, looked at Ray, barked and headed for the bedroom door. "This is ridiculous." Ray struggled to get out of bed and followed Diefenbaker. As he left the bedroom, he called for his lover. "Hey Benny, where are you?" There was no answer. Fraser was no where to be found. "That's odd . . . Dief, where's Benny?" Diefenbaker padded to the door of the apartment, barked a couple times and turned back to look at Ray. 

Ray walked into the kitchen to make some coffee as he said, "Dief, I don't know what you're trying to tell . . ." He couldn't finish his sentence. Sitting against the coffeepot was an envelope addressed simply to "Ray". 'Not again,' Ray thought. The last time he received such a note, Fraser was fleeing town. Ray picked up the envelope, walked into the living room and sat down to read it. 

Dear Ray, 

I thought the last letter I wrote was the hardest thing I had to do but I guess I was wrong. Today I will do a much harder thing. I am leaving Ray and the only explanation I can give is that it will be for the best. You may not see it that way now but eventually, everything will fall into place and you will understand, trust me. 

I still love you Ray, nothing will ever change that but I have to go. Please do not try to follow me, if you do, I will only leave again and again and again. I know this is hard to grasp now, please do not hate me. 

Also Ray, I had to leave Diefenbaker behind because he simply refused to come with me. Please take good care of him, as I know you will. He will be a loyal companion and his presence with you will ensure me of your safety. 

Goodbye Ray, my love. 

Benton Fraser 

"Oh God." Ray dropped the letter on the floor, stunned. His whole world was crashing down around him. Why was this happening? Ray curled up on the couch and began sobbing uncontrollably. 

* * *

Fraser stood at the apartment door listening to the sobbing, heartache he, no, Francesca was causing. The only thing keeping Fraser from running back in and pulling his lover into his arms was the deal he made with Ray's sister. 'He will be fine,' Fraser tried to convince himself as he turned to leave with tears in his own eyes, destination unknown. 

* * *

Ray laid on that couch for days not wanting to get up, move or breath. He did as little as possible. He would call off work, feed Diefenbaker and let him out. Pretty much the essentials of daily living. Eating was not one of those essentials, nor was sleeping. He would just lay there one minute zoning and the next crying like a baby. He never felt so utterly alone in his entire life. He didn't even feel this bad when he got divorced. He was missing the other half of his sould, his better half. 

There was a knock on the door that had Ray jumping up and hurdling across the room. When he opened the door, he saw the face of a woman he needed desperately. 

"Hi Ma." 

"Caro, what's wrong? Your Lieutenant called me, saying you've been sick. Is everything alright?" 

"Oh Ma." Ray got closer to her and hugged her tightly. 

"Caro, let's go inside and you can tell me all about it." Mrs. Vecchio led her son back into his apartment and closed the door behind them. 

As they sat down, Diefenbaker nudged up against Mrs. Vecchio's leg. "Hello Dief. How is my sweet wolf today?" Diefenbaker's tail was wagging so hard Ray thought it would fly off and for the first time since Fraser left, he smiled. "Caro, please tell me what's wrong. Where's Benton?" 

Ray took a deep breath and began his story. By the time he was done he was sobbing again. This couldn't be happening. They were suppose to spend the rest of their lives together. If he still loved him, why did he leave? 

Mrs. Vecchio wanted to weep too but she needed to remain strong for her son. She knew this was not like Fraser, to up and leave with no real explanation. It was too cold and uncaring. When she had looked into Fraser's eyes, she could see the love he had for her son. Why did he do this? He was just at the house . . . oh dear. "Raymondo, this just isn't like him." 

"I know Ma but what can I do?" Ray sounded helpless. 

"Give Benton the space and time he needs. This is all new to him, maybe he's just scared. I'm only guessing at the reasons but I do know that he loves you . . . He left Dief here, he must care about you." 

"It just hurts so much Ma. Why couldn't he discuss it with me?" 

"Caro, this is Benton you are talking about. He isn't like us. He has a hard time expressing what he is feeling, you know that." 

"Not with me, we could discuss anything . . . or at least I thought we could," Ray sighed. 

"Raymondo, why don't you come home with me for a few days. You could stay in the guestroom. It would be no problem and as always, Dief would be welcome as well. The children would love it." 

Ray agreed to go home. He couldn't stand staying in the apartment by himself. "Thanks Ma." 

* * *

"Mountie, I didn't expect to see you here," Eric said as he closed the cabin door behind Fraser after he entered. "What brings you to our village? Where's Diefenbaker?" 

"I've decided to come home . . . but seeing I don't have a home up here anymore, I will be staying here until I can get the cabin rebuilt. Dief stayed behind in Chicago with a friend." 

"Is that the real reason or are you running away from your fears?" 

Fraser looked into Eric's eyes. Did he know what was going on? Did he have that ability to read his soul? "No, actually, your might say I'm running to my fears." 

* * *

It took three months to build the cabin with the help of a few members of Eric's village and Fraser had been living in the cabin for another two months. It was quite lonely and every day it was getting harder and harder to want to go on, but he did. Fraser was not working, hadn't since he left Chicago. He didn't' feel able to work so he decided to take a personal leave of absence. It was odd not working, he'd worked his whole adult life with no complaints but now he didn't trust himself with anyone else's life. 

Fraser was experiencing periods of insomnia again that would spread into weeks and he wasn't eating like he should. 'Mrs. Vecchio would be very upset with me,' Fraser thought. How he missed his extended family. How he missed Ray. How much longer could he survive like this? 

* * *

Thanksgiving at the Vecchio home was as noisy as ever. It couldn't be any other way. The Children were running around chasing each other and Diefenbaker. The adults were either engrossed in delightful conversation or watching the game on TV. Mrs. Vecchio, bless her heart, was frantically cooking in the kitchen, making sure everything turned out just right. Ray was the only odd man out. He was sitting out on the front porch, isolating himself from the cheer of the holiday and enjoying the crisp cool air of the late autumn afternoon. It was days like this that he missed Fraser the most and no amount of time could lessen the pain. The front door behind him opened and closed. He felt someone sit down next to him. "Hey Frannie." 

"Ray, what are you doin' out here?" She shivered from the chill in the air. 

"I'm just thinking, that's all." He sat with is arms wrapped around his legs and his chin resting on his knees. 

"Ray, it's cold out here, why don't you do your thinking inside where it's warmer?" 

"Nah, I like it out here." Ray was now a lover of the cold weather, it reminded him of Fraser and he couldn't get enough of it. 

"You like it out here, since when?" Francesca asked, not believing him. Ray didn't answer her, he just took a deep breath and sighed. "Well, I'm going back in, it's too cold for me." 

"Frannie, I'll be in shortly," Ray called to her as she went back in the Vecchio home. 

* * *

Today was one of those days Fraser did not get out of bed. He just couldn't face the day alone. Even though it wasn't a Canadian holiday on this day, it was still a holiday he had celebrated for the past six years in Chicago and today he couldn't celebrate. Not when he was alone. He had nothing to be thankful for today. 

* * *

The tradition began as it did every year. It started with Mrs. Vecchio saying grace and before anyone could eat, everyone had to mention at least one thing they were thankful for. Everyone normally moaned and groaned about it but they all always found something to say. Maria was thankful for the new job Tony had started earlier in the month and Tony was thankful for Maria. Their kids were thankful that Christmas was less than a month away and that Diefenbaker was living with them (which made Ray smile). Francesca was thankful her divorce was finalized (poor Turnbull) which Mrs. Vecchio was not happy about at all. When it was Ray's turn and everyone was staring at him. He meekly smiled and said, "I am thankful for Benny." Mrs. Vecchio was proud of her son's determination, to not give up on the one he loved. If only her daughter had a little of that determination. Maria was touched by the declaration. Francesca was shocked. 

"But he left you . . . How can you be thankful for that?" She couldn't believe him, after everything she did for him he still cared for her Mountie. 

"Frannie, he loved me . . . he still does. How can I not be thankful?" 

"But he left you," Francesca repeated. 

"I heard you the first time. I still love him Frannie. I probably will until the day I die. He changed my life the day he walked into it . . . for the better at that. I will never forget that." 

Francesca looked disgusted and Mrs. Vecchio sensed something was amiss with her daughter. Francesca got up and stormed off to her room. "What's up with her Ma?" 

"I'm not sure Caro." 

Ray's cell phone rang in the other room and Ray got up to answer it. "Vecchio!" He hated when this happened but he was needed on the scene of a domestic violence, hostage situation. "Yes sir, I'll be right there sir." 

"Caro, you have to leave?" Mrs. Vecchio was getting up to meet her son in the living room. 

"Yeah Ma, I'll be back soon though, don't worry." 

"You will be careful." She followed Ray into foyer where he was putting on his coat. 

"Yes Ma, I will be careful, I always am." He kissed his mother on the cheek and headed out the door. 

* * *

The Riv pulled up to the scene an hour into the ordeal. He was the first person at the 27th Precinct who could be reached that was able to make it to the scene in a timely manor. It was a domestic violence call that had gone very wrong. When police arrived at the calling of a concerned neighbor, the husband refused entrance to the officers and began threatening to kill his wife. It was going to be a long night. 

The SWAT team was just arriving and scrambling to get into position. Ray cringed at the sight of them. Whenever they got involved, something bad always happened. 

Hours had passed and everyone was getting tired. Before Ray knew what he was doing, he was volunteering to go into the house and speak with the irate man. Why he was doing it, he hadn't a clue. Maybe it was the spirit of the holiday or maybe the spirit of Benny. This was definitely something Fraser would do. 

He was shaking on his walk towards the front door of the couple's home. He had no clue what he was going to do or say. He was working on gut instinct. When the door opened, he saw the man holding his wife to the side with his gun pointed at Ray. "Come in nice and slow cop." Ray had no intention of making any quick moves anyway. 

The next thing Ray knew, a force was pushing him backwards. Once Ray was lying on the ground, he was writhing in pain, gasping for breath. One of the SWAT team's sharp shooters shot at the husband and missed causing the suspect to discharge his weapon into Ray's right side chest. Unfortunately today, Ray forgot to gear himself with a bulletproof vest. 

Huey had made it to the scene just before that happened and felt helpless as he watched his friend and colleague drop to the ground, moaning in pain. Another shot was taken at the husband, this time making contact with its target. Once the husband hit the floor, Huey ran out to where Ray laid. 

"Benny?" Ray called out. Huey played along to subdue the injured Ray. "Benny it hurts." 

"I know Ray, hang on there. The paramedics will be here in a minute." 

Ray took hold of Huey's hand. "Benny . . . I . . . I . . . I love you," and Ray passed out. 

* * *

"Inspector Thatcher, I wasn't expecting to hear form you . It's been what . . ." 

"Six months, I think Const . . . Fraser." Thatcher finished his sentence. "I didn't expect a return call so soon. I just left the message this morning." 

"I always stop by the post every Friday to pick up my mail and weeks worth of papers sir. I guess you were just lucky." Inspector Thatcher was quiet on the other end of the phone, too quiet. "Sir, is there something wrong?" 

"Fraser, the reason I called . . . well, I didn't want you to read about it in the paper but ... Detective Vecchio was injured in the line of duty yesterday." 

Fraser leaned against the wall, trying to remain calm which was very hard to do. "Is he all right?" 

"Fraser . . . it doesn't look good. Detective Huey called me this morning so that I could inform you. I think you may want . . ." 

Fraser cut her off. "I can be there late tonight." 

"I will send a car to the airport to take you to the hospital once you arrive in Chicago. Let me know when your arrival is scheduled." 

"Thank you sir." Fraser hung up. 

* * *

It was the longest day of his life and it looked like there was no end in sight. First he had to return to the cabin and pack, what little he had, then it was back to the post, then on to the airport. It took longer than he thought or it just seemed that the time dragged. All he wanted was to see Ray, to hold him, to tell him everything was going to be okay but even he himself didn't believe that. Why did this have to happen? Why Ray? Why not himself? Maybe if he had been there, it would've been him. 

Once on the ground in Chicago, it took no time to deplane, go through customs and find the consulate car waiting for him. It was midnight when he arrived so there weren't that many passengers within the airport to cause a delay. The drive to the hospital seemed excruciatingly long and he thought they would never make it there. 

The car's driver gave Fraser Ray's room information as they pulled up in front of the hospital. "Thank you kindly." Fraser hopped out of the back seat, grabbed his pack and walked swiftly into the front doors of the hospital. He knew this place far too well from all their not so happy, previous visits, this being added to that far too long list. 

Once on the floor of Ray's room, he saw Mrs. Vecchio in the waiting room praying on her rosary beads. He had no clue how many times she had gone through the strand of beads but he was certain it was more times than he would have had the patience for. He was hesitant on entering but he had to make his presence known. As he entered the waiting room, he cleared his throat to get her attention. 

When Mrs. Vecchio looked up, she almost didn't recognize him. His hair was a couple inches longer than he use to keep it and he had a short beard and he was about thirty to forty pounds thinner. The only thing she recognized that told her who he was were his eyes. "Benton? Oh, Benton, Caro." She got up, immediately walked over and hugged him as if he had never been away. She still loved him as if he were one of her own. "I'm so glad you came. I knew you would come." She didn't want to let go of him in fear he would leave. "What has happened to you? You are so thin." 

Fraser was surprised at how she still accepted him with love and compassion, as any mother would accept her own son. He didn't answer her question but instead changed the subject with his own question. "How is Ray?" 

"Raymondo hasn't woke up yet . . . but he is on the mend . . . the bullet passed through the right side of his chest, collapsing a lunge. Now all we can do is pray infection doesn't set in . . ." Mrs. Vecchio broke off. She always knew something like this was a possibility, that something like this could happen to her son with the line of work Ray was in but every time it did happen always seemed like the first time and it never got any easier. 

Fraser embraced Mrs. Vecchio to calm her the best he could. "Can I go in and see him?" 

Mrs. Vecchio nodded her head against his chest. "Oh yes Caro, I think Ray would like that very much. I'll stay here and finish this Decca of the rosary." She was such a dedicated woman. 

Fraser left his pack with Mrs. Vecchio and headed for Ray's room. He was shaking and his palms were sweating the closer he got to the door. It had been six months since he last saw his lover . . . well ex-lover at this point. He was certain Ray didn't ever want to see him but he had to see Ray, to make sure he was going to be okay. 

As he entered the hospital room, his breath was taken away by the sight. The beautiful olive skin he loved so much was now pale, almost as pale as his own. There were tubes, wires, IV's going everywhere and he had a breathing tube down his throat. A lump was forming in Fraser's own throat as the severity of it all was finally registering. 

Fraser walked over to the bedside and took hold of Ray's left hand. Ray was cold to the touch, not his normal warmth that Fraser remembered so well. "Hello Ray," was all Fraser could get out before a sob overtook him that had his whole body shaking. 

"Oh, Caro, no no no," Mrs. Vecchio said as she entered the room. "Please, come here." Fraser graciously accepted her comfort and embrace. She knew he still loved her son very much just by his reaction. "Benton, you have had a long trip . . . why don't you go home and rest tonight. You can come back and see Ray again tomorrow." 

"Home?" Where was home anyway? 

"The apartment, where else?" Mrs. Vecchio clued in. "Ray has been staying at our home but for some reason he can't bring himself to get rid of the apartment. You do still have a key don't you?" 

"No ma'am. I left it when . . ." Fraser couldn't finish his statement. 

"Oh, well here." Mrs. Vecchio reached into her purse and produced a key to "their" apartment. "I have tried to keep it as clean as possible but don't be surprised if there is a little dust collected." 

Fraser accepted the key and agreed to go back to the apartment and get some much needed sleep although he wasn't sure sleep would come that easy but he could at least rest in a nice comfortable bed. "Mrs. Vecchio, may I ask you one thing before I go?" Mrs. Vecchio nodded her head. "How has Francesca been? I mean have her and Ray . . . reconciled?" 

Mrs. Vecchio was certain that Francesca had something to do with Fraser's disappearance from her son's life but she couldn't prove it without directly asking and that she couldn't do. "Oh, Benton . . . it seemed that way until yesterday at dinner. We did miss you yesterday Benton." Mrs. Vecchio reached up and brushed the far too long hair off his forehead. 

"Thank you kindly, I wish I had been there too!" Fraser turned to look at Ray again. "What happened at dinner yesterday?" 

"Don't worry yourself with that now Benton. Go home and get some rest. You can talk with Francesca tomorrow if you like. Maybe even Ray if he wakes up, we can only hope." 

Fraser didn't like the idea of having to confront Francesca about what happened but then he also didn't even want to confront Ray either. Over the course of his time in the Territories, Fraser's dislike of Francesca slowly grew to hate and he didn't even remember when it happened. And Ray, the longer he was away, the more he dreaded confronting him. Fraser wasn't sure if he could handle such a conversation so soon. 

"Yes ma'am, I will go now. Thank you." 

* * *

The bed was just as he remembered it: comfortable, warm, safe, secure, just like Ray himself but he felt alone in it, even more alone than his bed at the cabin. Mostly that was because he had shared this bed with Ray where the bed at the cabin had never been shared with anyone. The minute his head hit the pillow he was out, dead to the world and slept straight through until the next afternoon. 

What caused Fraser to finally wake up? He could hear someone in the kitchen moving pots and pans around, as if they were preparing to cook and there was a warm body lying next to him. When he rolled over to see who was in bed with him, Fraser was promptly and lovingly attacked by a very excited Diefenbaker. "Hello Dief, I've missed you too." Diefenbaker barked and licked Fraser's face causing Fraser to smile. 

"Diefenbaker be quiet . . ." Mrs. Vecchio began as she entered the bedroom. "Oh, Benton, did he wake you? I'm sorry but he was just so excited when I told him you were home." 

It was that word again, home. If only that were true. "No, it's fine Mrs. Vecchio. I think it's about time I got up anyway," Fraser said as he sat up and crawled out of bed. When he stood up, Mrs. Vecchio could see the toll their separation had taken on him. She knew he had lost weight but now, standing in front of her in a pair of sweat pants and a T'shirt, there was no hiding the amount of his weight loss. 

"Caro, what have you done to yourself?" Fraser didn't answer. "Never mind, go shower and get dressed. I'll have lunch ready when you are done and you "will" eat everything I give you." Fraser just nodded his head in agreement, there was no arguing with Ray's mother. 

Shower, shaved, haircut and fed, Fraser, Mrs. Vecchio and Diefenbaker headed back to the hospital. "Raymondo will be so pleased to see you," Mrs. Vecchio said keeping her eyes on the road. "He woke up last night . . . didn't stay awake long but it's a promising sign the doctors say." This Fraser was not prepared for so soon upon his return but he was relieved that Ray was going to be okay. 

* * *

"Benton, you look very handsome," Mrs. Vecchio said as they were standing outside Ray's room. 

"Thank you Mrs. Vecchio." 

"You don't need to be so formal with me Benton." She said patting his cheek. "Please you can still call me Ma, like all my other children do." She could see him blush immediately and at that moment she truly understood why her son loved this man so much. "Now, go in there. I will be in the waiting room with Diefenbaker until you're done and please take as much time as you need." Mrs. Vecchio kissed Fraser's cheek then and headed down the hall towards the waiting area. She hoped Ray would wake up, Fraser needed to talk to him. They both needed to straighten out what had happened even if she didn't know what it was that transpired all those months ago. 

Fraser took a deep breath and then entered Ray's room. Upon entering, Ray did seem much improved from the previous night. The wonderful color of his skin had returned to his face and they had removed the breathing tube. Ray looked like he was just peacefully sleeping, ready to awaken at any minute. 

Fraser stood by the bed for the longest time just watching Ray. How he missed those early morning hours when he woke before Ray and watch his lover sleep, taking in the beauty that was Ray and to Fraser, Ray was beautiful, from the olive complexion of his skin to his striking Roman nose, he missed those days. 

He reached a palm to the top of Ray's head and felt the short, cropped hair. He remembered the first time he ever did that, such an intimate gesture, it sent shivers down his spine then as it did now. It had been too long since he had even touched Ray. All his senses were alive with the need to touch and feel and get to know his lover again. Next he ran a finger down the side of Ray's face, feeling every contour. He needed a shave even though it had only been two days. 

He abandoned his exploration of his lover's face (he could lose himself in such an endeavor) and took hold of Ray's hand, exploring each finger as if he'd never seen them before. Fraser reached for the chair next to the bed and pulled it closer so he could sit and not let go of Ray. 

Fraser sighed, "Ray? I don't know if you can hear me . . . I like to believe subconsciously you can . . . I just wanted to let you know . . . even though I am the one who left, I still love you." Fraser brought Ray's hand to his lips and kissed it tenderly. "I will always love you . . . to not would mean my death but that's nothing to be talking about now." There was no reaction from Ray, just continued, peaceful sleep. "I saw Diefenbaker this morning, in fact he's with your mother in the waiting room right now. He looks good Ray. Thank you for taking such good care of him . . . although I think your mother is spoiling him." Fraser smiled at that comment and then sighed again as he rested his head on the side rail, staring at the floor, still holding Ray's hand. Why was this so hard? 

"Benny?" He could recognize that head of hair anywhere, almost envied it sometimes, but the hand that held his own didn't feel right, not the same as he remembered. "Benny, is that you?" Ray had thought he'd seen Fraser millions of times before out on the street only to be disappointed time and time again. He never gave up though and was always hopeful that the next time would be the time it was Fraser. Today was that next time. 

Fraser froze at the first word out of Ray's mouth. How was he going to face him? He couldn't tell him the truth of why he left and he knew Ray would ask, Ray was too smart to accept a just because answer. Looking up and staring into those beautiful hazel eyes he longed to see all those lonely nights in the Territories, Fraser smiled. "Yes Ray, it's me." 

At first, there was happiness in Ray's eyes, that turned to desire and then to horror. "Benny, you're so thin. Did you forget to eat while you were gone?" Ray worked his hand free from Fraser grip and touched Fraser's sunken cheek. Fraser didn't answer. "God, I've missed you." Ray's fingers circled around Fraser's lips. Fraser down cast his eyes. "Why are you here Benny?" 

Fraser looked up at Ray again. "Inspector Thatcher called me to let me know what had happened. She told me it didn't look good so I came here to see you. I . . ." Fraser broke off before his sobbing took up where it left off the night before. 

"You had to see me before I died." Ray finished Fraser's statement. Fraser nodded his head. Even after all the time apart, Ray still knew Fraser almost as good as himself. "Benny, why did you leave like that?" 

At those uttered words, Fraser got up from his seat, walked to the window and stared out, trying so hard to answer the question as best he could. "Ray, I don't know what to say. I can only say I had to leave. This is the best I can do without lying to you. Please don't make me lie to you." Fraser had one arm wrapped against his chest, supporting the elbow of the other arm, head resting in that arm's hand. 

"Benny . . ." Ray didn't want to ask his next question but if he was going to live a sane life, he needed to know. Fraser turned to look at Ray. "Benny, do you still love me?" This time Ray looked away, embarrassed by the question he asked. He sounded so needy and he was but he didn't want to admit it. He never needed anyone more than he needed Fraser and he didn't realize this until just that moment. 

Fraser didn't trust himself being any closer but he did answer the question truthfully. "Yes Ray, I still love you." Fraser watched as a shaky breath was pulled into Ray then released. "I always will." 

That statement caused tears to spill down Ray's cheeks. "But you're not staying are you?" 

"No Ray, I can't." 

"Why can't you?" Even in his weakened condition, Ray was getting agitated and his voice was raising. "You love me, I love you, what could possible be the reason you have to leave?" Ray was definitely irritated. Fraser wouldn't answer nor look at Ray. "Frasier!" He still wouldn't answer. "Damnit Frasier, answer me." Fraser remained quiet. "Okay, if you won't answer that question, then answer me this, truthfully . . . Do you want to leave?" 

Fraser looked up at Ray and Ray could see the hurt in Fraser's eyes. "No Ray, I don't want to leave." Why couldn't he just lie to Ray? It would be so much easier. 

Ray had a confused look on his face. "Benny, you're not making any sense. Why leave if you don't want to go?" 

"Ray, I've said all I can say, please can't we just leave it at that?" Fraser's eyes were pleading with Ray but Fraser knew Ray better. He would never just let things be. 

"Frasier . . ." Fraser hated when Ray used his last name to address him and that was the third time during this conversation he had done so. "Just go." Ray turned his head away from Fraser so he wasn't looking at him. He was hurt terribly and didn't understand and the more he didn't understand, the more hurt he was becoming. 

Fraser, not surprised by Ray's anger and not wanting to cause him anymore grief, simply left. As he headed down the corridor, he didn't even stop to let Mrs. Vecchio know he was leaving but it didn't matter because when Diefenbaker saw him pass the waiting room, Diefenbaker ran after his previous companion with Mrs. Vecchio in pursuit, calling after Fraser. He never stopped to let them catch up until he got to the elevators and then he didn't have a choice as he had to wait for the elevator car to reach the floor they were on. 

"Benton, what happened? What's wrong? Is Raymondo okay?" She looked distressed. 

'No he's not ok' Fraser thought. 'I just broke your son's heart, you should hate me now.' "Yes, he is fine. We just had an argument of sorts and he asked me to leave. I am going back to the apartment if that is alright with you. I can walk from here." Fraser pushed the elevator button for the second time, then a third. 

"All right Benton but could you take Diefenbaker with you? He's not enjoying himself here as you can imagine." 

Fraser agreed, as he got on the elevator. He turned to look at Mrs. Vecchio and said, "I'm sorry," then the doors closed taking him away. 

* * *

It had been a week since Fraser visited Ray at the hospital and today he was being released. Sitting in the passenger seat, he stared out the window quietly watching the scenery fly by and his mind wandered as his mother drove. "Raymondo, is everything okay?" Mrs. Vecchio asked. 

"Yeah Ma, I was just thinking." 

"About what Caro?" 

"About Benny . . . he just didn't seem himself at the hospital ya know and God he was so thin. There's something going on that he's not telling me and for the life of me, I don't know what it is." 

"You will figure it out, I have faith in you." Mrs. Vecchio smiled as she pulled the car into the Vecchio driveway. "Once you've packed, I'll take you over to the apartment as you asked, okay?" 

"Thanks Ma . . . thanks for understanding why I need to be alone for a while." Ray opened the car door and exited the vehicle. 

Once in the house, he headed up the stairs to the guestroom but stopped and turned to go into Francesca's room instead, hoping to find her there. "Hey Frannie . . ." When he opened the already ajar door, he saw she wasn't in. Ray walked into the room anyway and looked around, for what, he didn't know. He couldn't believe the amount of beauty products one person could own let alone use daily. Her closet was over flowing onto the chair, the bed and the floor. It was ridiculous. Granted, Ray himself had a slight obsession, it you could call it that, with Armani but it wasn't as bad as Francesca's general desire for every piece of clothing she could get her hands on. 

Ray turned to leave when he noticed a heaping pile of crinkled paper around her wastebasket. "And she thinks I'm a pig." Ray shook his head and stooped down to pick up the mess. Curiosity getting the better of him, he uncrinkled one piece of the papers and began reading the handwritten note. The more he read, the paler he got. Once he was finished with that one, he read another and then another. They were all revisions of a note that had Ray's stomach in knots. 

Ray grabbed all the discarded pieces of paper he could and headed for the door and down to his mother. When he entered the kitchen, the look on his face must have been one of horror because it sent his mother into instant panic mode before she even knew why he was looking so horrified. "Ma, do you realize what your daughter has been up to these last couple months?" Mrs. Vecchio looked at her son with dreaded fear. She knew something was going on but could never find out what. Ray pitched all the paper he carried down from Francesca's room onto the kitchen table and handed his mother one of the ones he already read. 

After reading the first note, Mrs. Vecchio sat down in the chair closest to her and shook her head in disbelief. "Oh Raymondo . . . why? How could she do this to you and Benton?" 

"I don't know Ma. I think she's not in her right mind . . . oh this is horrible." Ray sank down into the chair next to his mother. "Ma, did Benny leave town?" 

"I haven't seen him since last week. When he left the hospital that day. He dropped Diefenbaker off here instead of taking him back to the apartment. I assumed he did." Mrs. Vecchio straightened another piece of paper and continued reading in disbelief. 

"Okay, here goes . . . I am gonna pack like planned, then I'm gonna drive myself over to the apartment and then if he has left, I am heading to the consulate to get the whereabouts of Benny from Inspector Thatcher. She'll know how to get in touch with him, hopefully she'll give me that information." 

"Caro, you just got out of the hospital. You shouldn't be running around like that, you will tire yourself." 

"Ma, I have no choice. I can't let Benny kill himself over this . . . and that's what was happening Ma. He's letting himself die. I can't let Francesca do this to him." 

"He wouldn't do that to himself . . . would he?" Mrs. Vecchio, although she loved Fraser like one of her own children, she didn't understand the workings of the Mountie's mind. 

"Ma, he's alone, by himself . . . I was all he had, me and my family and he treasured us . . . even Francesca. I promised him he would never be alone again and I couldn't even keep that promise." Ray got up to leave. 

"May God be with you on this journey." Mrs. Vecchio said as she made the sign of the cross. "You three will be in my prayers." 

"Thanks Ma." Ray left the kitchen to pack and head out on his search for his lover. 

* * *

There was a knock on the door and he barely had enough strength to answer it but he did. As he opened the door, all politeness left him. "What do you want?" 

"Benton, Benton, Benton. Is that any way to treat a lady?" Francesca pushed her way passed Fraser and into the apartment. 

"When I see one, I'll let you know." Fraser left the door open. 

"A little bitter there, Benton? Did you receive my letters?" Francesca looked around trying to see if he had. 

"Yes." Fraser wanted this visit to be as short as humanly possible. All he wanted to do was crawl back into bed and ignore the rest of the world. 

"Why have you returned Benton? Are you trying to reclaim your love? That was not part of the deal." Francesca sat down on the couch with a smug look on her face. 

"Ray was injured, as you know. I only came back to make sure he was alright, nothing more I assure you." 

"Then when do you plan on leaving? I wouldn't want you to be tempted to change your mind ya know." Francesca was looking at her nails as if inspecting the paint job for flaws. 

"Soon, now Francesca, will you please just leave." Fraser said as he pointed to the door. "Trust me, I am quite certain Ray wants nothing to do with me." 

"I don't know Benton. Do you realize that during our Thanksgiving tradition Ray said he was thankful for you. You, the person who left him and he was still thankful for you." That warmed Fraser's heart and yet chilled it even more. 

"Francesca, please . . ." Fraser was now leaning against the open door, he was extremely tired and it wasn't from the lack of sleep. 

"Okay Benton, since I know you're a man of your word, I will trust you but if I suspect anything, you know what will happen. I will tell everyone in listening distance of your relationship and you know what that will do to Ray's career." All Fraser could do was nod his head in agreement. "Bye Benton." And she was gone. He closed the door quickly behind her and managed to stagger into the bedroom, crawling onto the bed. He felt safe there. It was the only place he could let everything go and relax into the darkness. 

* * *

As the Riv came to a stop, Ray saw Francesca leaving his apartment building. Ray opened the car door and called out, "Hey Francesca!" 

Francesca put on her best smile and walked over to her brother. "Ray, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at home, resting?" 

"I'm fine Frannie, but I might ask you the same question?" He closed the driver's door and leaned against the car. 

"Oh, I was just checking up on your apartment, making sure everything was alright and it is . . . so . . . now we both can go home." 

"No Frannie, I have something to take care of first. Oh and Frannie, you are no longer welcome in my home," Ray said it calmly, as if they were having a normal conversation. He knew if he let his anger go, he may end up doing something he would regret. Ray stood up straight and headed for the building. 

"Fine, I didn't want to be here in the first place. I don't care if I ever come back here." She started heading to her car. 

"Oh, no Frannie, you misunderstood me. I am kicking you out of my house . . . you know, the one you currently live in." He continued walking towards the building. 

"What?" She turned around with anger. 

"Let me just stay one thing . . . if you ever try to hurt Benny like you have again, you will regret the day you were ever born." Ray entered the building, leaving a speechless and stunned Francesca in the middle of the street. 

* * *

Ray didn't know what she was doing at the apartment but it was good to face her. If it would've been any longer, he wasn't sure if he would be able to restrain himself, from doing something he would regret. He didn't want to revert to his father's way of expressing feelings. 

When he entered the apartment, he could smell that Fraser had at least been there. It was a wonderful woodsy scent that could arouse Ray by the aroma alone. There was no sign of Fraser and Ray assumed he had left for Canada. 

Ray walked into the kitchen area and pitched his keys on the counter. When they hit and skidded, they knocked a pile of papers on the floor. Ray bent down to pick up the pile. Skimming over the pages, he saw they were the final drafts of the letters he read earlier in Francesca's bedroom. How could his sister be so cruel? He just didn't understand. 

"I've gotta get packing," Ray said as he headed towards the bedroom. When he walked in, he didn't notice the lump that was Fraser lying across the bed until he heard a slight mumble. Jumping around with a start, his heart pounding a mile a minute, Ray quickly calmed down when he saw his lover, lying on his stomach, with his arms pulled up under him. He looked like he was trying to keep warm, unsuccessfully. 

Ray walked over to the bed and sat down next to Fraser's motionless body. He couldn't believe the state Fraser was in. He seemed even thinner than a week ago but it was probably only the fact that now he was only wearing a T'shirt and shorts as opposed to the layers of clothing he normally sported. The T'shirt that usually fit Fraser like a glove was loosely hanging on him, looking like Ray's pajama's, two sizes too big. Ray placed his hand on Fraser's back and he could feel every distinct vertebra. "Oh Benny, how could she do this to you?" 

Ray stood up and started shedding his clothes. Fraser was cold to the touch and Ray needed to warm him up as soon as possible. Skin to skin contact was the one thing Fraser taught Ray that Ray remembered. Once down to his own T'shirt and boxer shorts, he pulled the folded blanket from the bottom of the bed, covered Fraser up and crawled in next to him. Pulling Fraser's back up against his chest, Ray wrapped his arms through Fraser's arms, around his mid chest and placed one hand over Fraser's heart. Ray kissed the nape of Fraser's neck and whispered softly. "Benny, my love, you're no longer alone and I will never let you leave me again." He could feel Fraser warming up as he lay next to him but through all the excitement of the day and the fact he was still recovering from being shot, Ray too was tired and fell asleep. 

* * *

When Fraser woke up, it was an effort to open and focus his eyes. He was still very tired and he knew it was from the lack of food which he didn't care to eat but now was the first time in a long time he woke up warm, feeling safe and secure. Once he had his eyes fully open, he was lying on his back, staring at the ceiling. He felt a warmth around him. He noticed there was a blanket over him. 'Mrs. Vecchio must have been here,' Fraser thought to himself. 'Why did she insist on prolonging the inevitable?' But then something registered in his brain . . . there was something or someone snuggled up next to him. 'Diefenbaker?' But he also felt a weight on his chest. Not a heavy weight but a slight pressure that was noticeable. 

Fraser was still staring at the ceiling when he reached a hand to investigate the strange sensation lying on his chest. He took hold of the object and encountered another hand. It was a more slender hand then his own and the more he investigated it, the more familiar it felt. He knew whom he would find but he still turned his head to see who was lying next to him and then he saw Ray, laying on his stomach, head facing in the opposite direction and his right hand resting on Fraser's chest. "No." Fraser removed Ray's hand and slowly tried to climb out of bed. He had to get away from Ray before Francesca found out. 

The movement Fraser made just trying to sit up on the edge of the bed caused Ray to stir. Ray rolled over onto his side facing Fraser and opened his eyes. He watched as Fraser sat on the edge of the bed, back to him, his head resting in his hands. "Benny, where are you going?" 

"Ray . . . I have to go." Fraser didn't move from his position, he couldn't. He was still too tired. 

"Where are you going to go Benny?" Ray sat up now, still looking at Fraser's back. He didn't answer Ray. "Why are you going?" 

"I can't . . . you can't . . . we can't be here . . ." Fraser made a movement to stand up, wearily, and it took all his strength to remain standing. 

Ray moved to a kneeling position on Fraser's side of the bed. "Benny, please come back to bed. You are in condition to be up." 

Fraser turned to look at Ray. He did not expect to hear such caring in his voice. Of course he never expected to wake up and find Ray lying next to him either but he felt he didn't deserve such understanding. Ray could never understand. When they made eye contact, he saw worry in those beautiful, expressive eyes. "Why should you care? Why do you care? I'm fine Ray, you shouldn't worry so much." 

"Frasier," Ray was using the tone and name Fraser hated to hear from his lover, "I love you. I care about you. I never stopped." With each word Ray said, a little piece of the wall Fraser had constructed to protect himself started to crumble. 'Fraser looks like . . . well, he looks like shit,' Ray thought. His eyes lacked their normal vibrancy. He had dark circles under them and he was so thin. Ray couldn't even remember Fraser ever looking so thin. Ray moved towards Fraser, causing Fraser to jerk back and away, bumping into their dresser. Fraser lost his balance and the next thing either of them knew, he was sitting on the floor with a dazed look on his face. "Benny!" Ray rushed off the bed to Fraser's side, kneeling next to him on the floor. "Benny, please, let me take care of you. I don't mean to be rude but . . . you look horrible." A smirk . . . that's what he saw. It was a small turn at the corners of Fraser's lips. Fraser smiled. "Come on, let's get you back to bed." Ray helped Fraser off the floor and back into their bed. Fraser didn't fight him. He was too tired. "Well, since it's nearing dinner time, what do ya say I make us something to eat? Hmm?" 

As Ray pulled the blankets up over Fraser, Fraser said, "I'm not really hungry Ray." 

"Funny thing is, whether you think you're hungry or not, I'm making dinner and you are going to eat it, capise?" Ray was standing over the bed, looking down at Fraser with the most serious look on his face. He was not joking. Fraser nodded his head. "Good, now you rest for a while and I will bring dinner in here." Ray was gone before he could answer. 

* * *

After they both ate dinner, which consisted of chicken soup and crackers, Fraser snuggled back down into bed. He lay there for a while just looking up at Ray, all the while Ray looked down at him. Finally, Fraser broke the silence. "Why are you doing this Ray?" 

Ray reached out and clasped Fraser's right hand in both of his. "Why do you think? I love you." 

"But . . ." Fraser down cast his eyes. 

"Benny, there's nothing you could do that would make me stop loving you." Ray gave Fraser's hand a gentle squeeze. "Look at me." Fraser brought his eyes back up to meet Ray's. "I know what Francesca was doing and I'm so sorry for what she did. I only have one question. Why did you let her do this?" 

A sigh escaped Fraser. "For you . . . I confronted her after that night you woke me by your sobbing . . . I know you told me not to but . . . I couldn't not. She made it seem I was being selfish keeping you from her . . . Oh God I missed you." Fraser flew up into a sitting position, wrapping his arms around Ray and held on for dear life. 

Fraser was shaking while he sobbed, resting his head on Ray's shoulder. "Shhhh . . . it's okay now." Ray traced circles on Fraser's back trying to calm him. It took a couple minutes but that was to be expected. It had been six months of being alone and isolated. This contact was what he needed. It was his lifeline. 

Whispering into Ray's ear, Fraser said, "I can't live without you." Then he nuzzled his face in the crook of Ray's neck just breathing in the scent that was Ray. 

"I know Benny. I feel the same way. The only thing that got me through this whole ordeal was my family . . . mainly Ma . . ." Ray paused for a second. "I couldn't stay here, it hurt too much and when I went back home, I couldn't give up this place either... I'm glad I didn't." Ray moved one hand to the back of Fraser's neck and was massaging it gently while the other hand continued it's calming rotations on Fraser's back. 

"I'm glad you kept it too." Fraser pulled away to look at Ray but still refused to let go completely. Fraser stared into Ray's eyes but didn't say anything. 

"What?" Ray asked as he was beginning to feel uncomfortable, not knowing what Fraser was thinking. 

"Nothing . . . I just missed you . . . you're eyes . . ." Fraser was speechless. Ray's eyes could express everything Ray's mouth was unable to communicate. 

"My eyes? Are you okay Benny?" Ray always became uncomfortable when people would look at his physical features. He didn't see himself as great looking, just barely good looking if that. He even sometimes didn't understand how he ended up with Fraser. Fraser could have any woman or man he wanted. 

Fraser brought his hands up to cup Ray's face and traced his thumbs back and forth under Ray's eyes. "Your eyes are beautiful Ray. If I ever want to know what's going on in your head, all I have to do is look into them and I know. They are the windows into your soul." 

Ray was blushing which was a trait not common to him but he seemed to be doing it a lot since he and Fraser got together. Maybe it was rubbing off from Fraser. "Ah, Benny, don't." 

"Don't what Ray?" 

"Benny, you could have any woman or man for that matter in the whole world. Someone just as gorgeous as you and for some God forsaken reason, you've settle for me. Me! Now I know I'm the luckiest guy on earth, I love you more than my own life but . . ." 

Fraser wouldn't let Ray complete the belittling of himself. "Ray, Ray, Ray ... How can you say such a thing about yourself?" 

"Benny, I've seen my reflection in the mirror . . . I'm no Mel Gibson here." 

"I should certainly hope not. To tell you the truth . . . I think his looks are overrated myself." Ray gawked at Fraser, not believing a word he was saying. "Ray, when I say something, you know I mean it and I'm not just saying it to make someone feel better right?" Ray nodded his head. 

"Alright . . . to begin, I didn't settle for you, I can't believe you even said that. I can't believe that is what you think." Fraser gave Ray a look of disappointment. "I love you Ray. You're my best friend. I chose you as my lover. I want you as my lover. I know I haven't demonstrated that love as of late but you're the most important person in my life, now and forever. You're my soul mate Ray . . . I've know that from the moment I met you . . . I just didn't realize then how deep that connection ran." Ray smiled a smile that encompassed his mouth and eyes. "God Ray, you are the most beautiful person I've seen, no one can compare to you." 

"Oh Benny, you're just saying that." Ray was still smiling but now he was blushing again and Fraser found that irresistible. 

"Ray, you know I'm not just saying that, I . . ." 

Ray looked up at Fraser, placing both hands on either side of this face and pulled him forward for a kiss. It was a kiss that left both of them breathless. "I love you Benny." 

Giving Ray a gentle peck in return, "I love you too Ray." Fraser pulled Ray into a loving embrace, "and I'm never going to leave you again, I promise." 

End of part two 


End file.
